Sometimes when you've wanted something very much and yet you know you can't or shouldn't get it now you must develop and Iron Will against feeling that want. Sometimes it's a want so strong it is more need than desire. If you haven't had to experience that too often in your life be happy. If you do all the time, well then, I know how it feels for you.
My Iron Will isn't over alcohol, even though I've seen the bottom of a few bottles. Nor is it over a drug, or a game, or wealth. No, mines a simple desire. My Iron Will is set against lazy Sundays and adventures with one lady up in Seatac.
One of the things that will drive you crazy about this self imposed detox, or sobering period, is that hindsight is 20/20 or better. And with you it's more the latter than the former. I can see a whole bunch of the little things and all the big things that I didn't do right. Like everything, this has a good and a bad side. Good side is I know what not to do in future. The bad news is you won't let me fix it and do it right this time.
A part of me wants to follow that with not yet anyways. I wish I knew if that was a part to nurture or try to cut out. It isn't a part of me that is around all the time either. But...it is a part of me that just pop's up out of the blue.That portion of me that wants to say that, that misses the hell out of you, is like poison to my Iron Will, like chilling metal to the point where it shatters. The good thing is that Iron can be reworked and forged anew; just should I forge it as Iron or Steel is the question. Should I lock you out or should I try again. It's up in the air because I can't explain why that part of me still loves you after trying to wall it off. I wish the big man upstairs would give me a sign, but since you left he and I have not been close...
