It started with Angel (The Thirty Ninth)

Its hard to let go of something or someone when they're on your mind almost all the time. Sometimes you just cant help but think their name and all that means to you in a lull in the day or in your thoughts.  So here's something about that...

flora metaphorica II (The Thirty Eighth)

that's all

flora metaphorica (The Thirty Seventh)

I kinda feel like putting one some of my thoughts down on paper tonight.  Basically I'm thinking about what I consider this word love I bandy about in my head on the topic of her.  And really love isn't something I enter into lightly.  Only two woman outside of "family" have heard me say it and mean it.  Hell the first one I almost married.  But its not as simple as it once was just a simple on of switch.  leastways not with her.  She Im just going to use a metaphor, a botanical metaphor.  Consider it a seed inside a shell that will grow into an ancient tree some day, it will lay dormant till the conditions are right for it, but all the while it knows exactly what it will become.  It might not know all the twists land and gravity will work it or what limbs will fall off.  But it damn well knows its gonna grow and last and F anything that stands in its way because it has the patience to crumble mountains.  Granted the sapling we planted made this seed, if we gave it a go again it would be something new something more full, something more complex...this song kinda complements the idea

   

From Across the pond (the thirty sixth?)

She was recently asked as a lot of people are what she thought the most striking or important part of her personality was...well this song kinda sums that up, its one of the things I love about her.  And I wish for all these things, and generally when she asks for "two sugars" I know when she really "wants three"...its still funny that I do

cheeze (the thirty fourth)

Change is inevitable.  Nothing is fixed from one point of time to another, to a certain degree.  So in a sense in my head I conceive of a person as the core of who they are, and that events shape their personality their choices all those things around that.  You'll evolve, become more complex and alter over time.  So yeah She'll change, but I know the core of who she is, and from that understanding she doesn't really need to change for me to keep on loving, caring , and want to be there with her.  She just has to be her self from one moment to the next.  She's just someone I just want to talk to.  And that I seem to always be able to do now.

Here comes the cheese...Billy take it away

staring in the strom (the Thirty Third)

what more can I say about this song than that just by her being herself next to me she is a rock, my solid place.  And that the song is true

sitting up late again ( The Thirty Second)

I had one of those days today where just at least for that one day no matter how much reserve you have you are on a raw nerve. I feel...worn down? stuck? I really don't know half the time because the instant I feel I understand it and can put it into specifics it fleets away taunting me with a new nuance.  I could put it simply as the one things I want, I would do anything to have with me, I just don't know how to make sure that happens.  But sitting up next to all these books that I've read and several I want to read I couldn't help retreating inward and just thinking.  removing a few layers of distraction and then a song that sounds like how I feel today popped in from that one lyric... so just listen...For I am stuck in this waltz...

the risk of WB (the Thirty First)

Its funny when I try and sleep these nights.  I"ll lay here in the most comfortable bed I have owned, under nice blankets in a pitch black room the only light being the slow fade in and out of an orange dot of my blinking laptop. While Im struggling to find that place between reality and dream land I have to force myself to forget things about her.  Its hard to forget something seared into your own memory by intense emotions or because you hold them with intense emotion.  But I have to do it because I miss the girl, and the cigarettes, the ones that taste like Christmas but even so you hated the smell of them on your clothes afterwards, so you would always have to take a shower afterwards.  Its hard because life moves by so quickly but time with you remained its own time, not tied to the rest of the worlds flow of time. Timeless in a way that hours could slip by and you couldn't tell if it was a few minutes or a whole day or just the entire afternoon.  and now I can;t get the last afternoon we spent together out of my head.

So yeah I miss the girl and the cigarettes and despite trying to forget I think about you and things start coming back, I miss the Girl and the Cigarettes

1940's (the Thirtieth)

tonight all I feel like saying is a quote and a saying thats kinda exclusive, those who know you know and those who don't...you might someday...but probably not.

I have one cold hand and one warm one
&
Its not about the dance('n) for me it's about finding the right partner

old memories ( the Twenty Ninth)

today I'm just gonna say I love love

Day 432 ( The Twenty Eighth)

todays song...what to say.  Well I was taking a shower to pandora doing my shower dance as I am apt toe do (singing along and everything) and this song comes on.  Note the first time I heard it and not new thoughts running through my head when I hear it just reaffirming things.  Like how I would catch her if she were falling, how I really do love the tired way she stretches and says good morning in her little voice when I just lay there and wait for her to wake up being content with the world, The way she never asked me to change only just made me want to be better cause that's what she deserves from me, The way I take her the way she is not the way I want her to be with all the good bits, the bad bits, and the bloody fantastic bits.  So when you listen Im both sides of it and so was she just now she is just the thing the whole song is about and I just act out both bits in a metaphorical sense

and to spread the love and talented cover artists here's a cover of it I found nice

repetition(The Twenty Seventh)

sometimes an artists album encapsulates an idea and tone throughout the majority of its songs well...yesterdays song comes from an album like that.  Dierks just seems to keep writing them and they just keep hittin me.

This one though its something I keep wondering.  Is it gonna take me getting to that distant shore for me to not miss her anymore.  The answer I can give definitively is maybe, which has its own horns and halos.  The thing is though, She's the one who is like an anchor to my faith in a lot of things; but in a way my spiritual faith as well.  Its odd but its like if there is a god which I choose to believe and he is the God I choose to see and believe is there.  Then the way things are with my view of him is that when he puts someone like her in front of your path and lets her strum a note with your heart that resonates through your entire being in a quite way that just builds.  You fight tooth and nail for her and just keep on until...who knows cause my answer is still maybe.

Here it is without more theological discussion much to my agnostic, atheist or other readers  relief.  A song that hits me

Its what it is (the Twentysixth)

I know I don't get enough sleep but its how my mind and heart work...they keep me up if something like this isn't resolved in me.  So tonight's song, no real preamble, no real prelude.  Its just how it feels.  It is what it is.

rainstorm kinda day ( The Twentey Fifth)

Today's is a companion piece to the post for Friday(two days ago) and was going to be yesterdays except the song I heard that day took precedence.  Today though just listen to the song.  It kinda says it all. It's a whole idea wrapped up in a song and one I have every morning when I wake up and think...

Purgatory ride...not hell worthy( The Twenty Fourth)

Today was a long day of driving I was in the car for over 3 hours to drive back to Mo-Town and then pick up my laptop (FIXED) on the way back.  Along the way I had some CDs I grab from the library bag on the rush out the door.  Funnily enough they were mostly one of her favorite country artists. 

On my way I popped in one of his CDs and this song came on and almost every line describing a woman is a way I see her.  Its just one of those things like "He took a river that winds and turns/took a fire that breathes and burns/and put it all in place/in the most perfect way" that is what she's like a living inferno that's as gentle and soothing as a meandering stream. just listen and picture seeing someone that way; She Really is that way to me...

Hard times and hard choices ( the Twenty Third)

Today I have to start and deiced quickly on where my life is about to go.  College, one of the most expensive things is the main thing on the docket...I had a long conversation with my dad the one who's helping me pay for it all and right now there are three main options, go for the for the last year he pays for and then be out without his help, find a job and kill my self with a high academic load and prove I can help, or stop and work till IDK... What he doesn't realize is he took me away from the real motivator of my life, the reason I tried so hard and improved so much.  He took me away from her...

She's the one who makes me want and strive to be a better man, to be the best me.  And he never got that cause I never really told him.  I understate things far to much in real life and sometimes even on here.  This girl you keep hearing hints about, she saved me from myself just being herself, and she made me start down the road that would lead me to who I would become if only the best of me could survive.

So here it is a little bit of that idea personified and musicafied

Some magic has a shelf life...some doesn't :) (The Twenty Second)

The night before last I couldn't sleep yet again.  I caught a few winks when the sun woke up.  Not an altogether foreign occurrence, and late nights even when turning in early far to familiar.  But The next night was a night after she and I had a nice chat that started with her great new and just kept going.  And after that I think I just relaxed, hearing her voice can have that power over me.  But that night I was able to go to bed at 9:30 and actually sleep!!! Those who know me know just how rare that is.  Anyways that night I just couldn't help remembering the last night she slept beside me and the next day and then I found this song and it made me think all the harder.  I know that that next day she might not have meant it so fully but there was something there. Call it an ease of airs. 

Anyways here's today's song even though its 55 minutes into the new day I have yet to go to sleep

the version closer to where I am.

Caught up at last...I think (the Twenty-first)

Tonight Im posting an insomniacs anthem. For those of us who's minds cant stop working, in my case mostly because of her, and who's imagination continue to run rampant until hours later we pass out exhausted.  Here's something that describes those hours of imagining when mine are of a fanciful and good nature.  Also tends to be because of her.

and here is on of my favorite covers of the song

and with this I go to try and sleep again being either caught up or a day ahead...I'll do the math in the morning or if I cant sleep.

Posts from the Tardis 14 (the twentieth)

This song today is something to basically say what a part of me has the patience to do.  Also what Im trying for in a sense, for a day she asks for me by name, because I ask for her without words every time I think of her. 

maybe someday those dancing classes...

Posts from the Tardis 13 (the Nineteenth)

Sometimes its hard for a song that fits perfectly to what is going on in your head.  There was one that came close to something that happens about every night.  Unfortunately as much as I like Taylor Swift...A woman's voice can't always describe a mans longing.  And thanks to my searches though music and covers I found someone who came even closer.  So you get to here a little about what it feels like to go back to December and miss her.

Posts From the Tardis 12 (the Eighteenth)

Today I just want to say that this song is perfectly all I want.  And if she is reading this She should know that with a second try that is it to share her life and if it ends the night with merely a kiss goodnight I would be happy.  No pressure beyond that because that's one of the things I miss most. 

This song just cam along an summed up everything I want in a song.  Not depicting every detail, but letting you know them all the same.

I really don't know what else to say...

Posts from the Tardis 11 ( the Seventeenth)

Today I tried to take a nap again not because insomnia is back and kicking my ass, that's only giving me love taps. This time the reason I tried to take a nap is because my cousin was doing my sisters hair for a wedding, thus waking me up hours earlier than I would have liked.  Now I have one of the hardest times falling asleep.  This difficulty goes double for naps.  But thankfully the most infamous and spectacular she you have been hearing about has helped me be able to get to sleep easier after just the ease of us spending time together.  But in this nap I was only sorta able to take I had a few daydreams some of which I think I was fighting for something and another where I was just spending time with her.  Not doing anything special just hanging out with her.  But as the dream slowly faded away this song just was playing in my head. This is what followed me into consciousness...

Its an idea I have been toying with.  kinda an unprovable one but still if it were I think more than likely true.  If She would just open her eyes and see through mine for a minute, half a minute, 15 seconds She'd change her mind.  If she saw what I see when I look at her that is.  But it is what it is right now.  All I can do is be me, be the best ME I can be and hope things will change.

P.S. when I get behind, which I plan on never doing again after I catch up, I will only post two a day until I am caught up.  Blame it on timey wimey wibbley wobbley "things" lol

Posts from the Tardis 10 (the Sixteenth)

This time...just listen to the song, if there's someone out there you love it will stop you in your tacks in some way.  And the funny thing is I see all this when I look into her eyes, the images in her eyes and in the song.

Post from the Tardis 9 (the fifteenth)

So I got to hear her singing along to this song while she was helping me pack.  And it just kinda hit me how much I love to hear her voice.  Its like...her voice rings out like something pure to my ears.I'll try and think of a better way to put it but its a good song, both the original and the cover.  So here it be the song that sounds great from her and who's lyrics say quite a bit

And I do remember the pajamas she wore when she came into the study room to tell me to keep it down.  And I remember what she wore on our first walk together and the exact jacket I lent her because her poke a dot sweatshirt wasn't enough to stop her from getting cold.  I remember a lot of things...

Posts from the Tardis 8 (The Fourteenth)

So Im a little shall we say inebriated since it was my sister's birthday and I've had a lot of...well a lot of different things.  And rather than stay up and post things not worth reading I will leave off today with the freshest song for the list.   I was driving back with the very last load of things I had lent out in Mo-town and This song came on the radio with the artist playing solo because his band missed their flight (actually this very video is it). I really am a little sick of the modern views of love, the games that a man has to play to get who he wants.  I don't like the maybes and maybe nots of ambiguity that a woman can put on and take it.  Im not talking about the general ambiguity of a woman they're always going to be a bit of a mystery to a man.  Im saying that its more like how with the way things are around here its ok for things to not be either heading somewhere or staying where they are, that it's a nither here nor there.  That Romance has lost a lot of its old nuance.  Old fashioned romantics can't use whats in their nature because its looked on as overbearing, or too quick or whatever, hence why I hold those things back for a month or two while dating if I can.  Also the lack of second chances.  There's no way in today's age that's just set up for getting one.  Sure some will give you a second chance but you can't be a knight and win her favor or any other thing.  If she says I don't give anyone second chances theres no romantic gesture that isn't "old fashioned" to convince her to change her mind

  But mostly Im just sick of having to wait for her to be sick of it too.  I know it sounds whiney, sure of myself and overall stupid.  But I know if there was that second try it would be some of the best times of both our lives and we would both grow together.  In the back of my head and all through my heart I feel like it would wind up with us growing old together.  Because Im not one of those liars who make every romantic gesture a empty one and dont mean it with everything.  Those who jade woman so that when a Man walks along and means what he says and what he does there's a wall that has to be knocked down again and again. I Mean them, If I do something for you it means something.  Whether its me really displaying my value in our friend ship or that I will be there for you at every turn and never give up on loving you.

But enough about me This song is good and the Artist actually is really great to talk to...least ways from the interview I haven't met him yet or hung out with him after a show...yet 

Posts From the Tardis 7 (the Thirteenth)

I've been swooped up again and have been really bad about posting.  Moving back and forth every day and not having much time to sit still sucks.  But now I'm finally able to stand still in one place and get back onto the internet.  And before I get into the ones Ive been writing down each time they come by I'll put what that line reminded me of.

Really it is almost perfect for describing g a lot about where I'm at right now.  Now that I'm standing still in one place, My head just keeps coming back to what I really want.  It's not some fancy thing like a car, some gadget or a new toy.  Nothing expensive, nothing simple.  I want someone.  And I know who makes me feel more sure and more confused than anyone... And it just leaves everything with a tone of longing in everything

The Twelfth in '11

So this time now that I'm in the right time line I'm and its a sunny summer day still I'll leave the preamble short.  These are songs by a guy I ran into on youtube and well... Although I'm doing two and there not from someone mainstream I really like them, and they kinda are true.  When you get me this is what you get someone who feels this way and can make you feel this way too, cheese, romance, and all.

Posts from the trardis 6 (Eleventh)

Being out here surfing the proverbial time stream again Allows a guy to turn an eye inward.  Odd I know a guy actually thinking about what he does. (pause for female audience to laugh and guys to grumble). But really that's what I do on the nights I can't sleep and have nothing I can find to occupy my mind.  And a lot of times to come up with something that facsimiles the complex or intuitive ideas are metaphors(or similes), sometimes which only makes sense to me.  So hopefully last nights metaphor will make sense.

Picture a river, largest river you've ever seen or been too.  Now imagine it larger to the point where you can barley see the green on the other side marking the line of tall trees there.  When you think of the surface picture it as a smooth surface, sure wind gusts cause it to ripple over but its still and calm.  But below is a strong current.  An almost unstoppable thing.  Gentle in its way but still not going to be deterred from being what it is a current that wont stop till it reaches its sea.  Well In a lot of ways the reason I'm writing this blog and the way I feel is just like that.  No longer as insistent on the surface but none the less an inexorable pull towards my Sea.  Along with that is a patience almost as old as time.  A river doesn't mine how many twists and stops it takes to get to it's final destination, it continues to wear its way through the earth till it finally reaches it.  And that's how I am now despite any inner turmoil.  I am patient.  I will be as patient as it takes to have a second chance. And when or if I get it I will be as patient and wear-with-all as she needs to make it last as long as the rivers run.

Now without much more rambling is today's video.  I found it when I was editing a page of mine from ages ago.  And it still rings true.  It reminded me of how much I knew she meant at the beginning to me.  And yet when I lost that knowing that even deeper, one of those things that goes beyond just knowing.  Having it be indelibly true.

looking up at the stars (the Tenth)

now that I'm back on the natural time-line, I have a short post for you all on the inter-webs.  She asked me why I like her and still want to be with her.  Well that's hard to pin down to a few things if she asked for a list I could keep going till she stopped me.  There are a lot of reasons and all from big to small, physical to mental to immaterial.  Hell its almost everything about her even the things I hate.  And so instead of listing a few here Just listen to the song and know that a girl like here is almost impossible to find, and a girl just like her is impossible to find.  This is even a song she said reminded her of how I felt and feel about her

Posts from the Tardis 5 (the Nineth)

I know in "yesterdays" post I kinda sounded like a ponse and I hope you listened more to the song more than my words cause I meant both but you could probably relate more to the songs.  And today's preamble might be a tad confusing so...pay attention to the song if it does

Every person can kinda be conceived as a complex meeting of contradictions, Different parts some larger than others.  Facets if you will.  And for me I have two facets,two parts that are kinda opposite each other. There's the part of me that wants to move on, it is true and valid, some might say its the wise thing.  And that part of me could be fostered by someone to be the larger part of me.  But there is the other part of me the part that loves her and that portion is the controlling one.  Its large enough to just be, be what things are.  Even though I actively try to shrink it, try and forget the things I love about her, the things I miss for every on I forget or fad another one or two pop right back up.  This facet of me anchors me in place .  And I don't know if I'll ever move from it unless someone comes and cuts it or if she comes and joins me at this mooring.  So heres a song about that facet.  one of the bigger ones. And I would do it too if I knew it would lead her back to me but for now it will just be my heart that wont move from that bench near the soccer field at western

Posts from the Tardis 4 ( the Eigth)

I have insomnia, as many do who use the internet extensively.  Its not necessarily the cause we just do cause we can't sleep. And its been coming back quite a bit of late.  Ive been having trouble sleeping despite my best efforts, and it gets worse and worse.  I wish it wouldn't but its a fact of my life, sleep and I aren't best friends anymore.  And I know that lately so is she, having trouble that is. And the thing is she is the one thing that just fixes that, and I know I could help fix that for her as well.  No I don't mean tiring her out, its not an innuendo.  I simply mean by being a calming force.

Yeah I know the motive that pops up when you read that but that's not what I want from her, although she is drop dead sexy.  I just want her, not to own not to possess but to just be with me.  I may have an above average drive, I may be a guy, and I may not be a conservative christian, but I would forgo showing my affection in that way until we we're married or even after that for a time if she asked.  Her lips would be enough, the caress of her hand.  I know it sounds stupid, but to be honest she's more important than getting that.  The only reason I want to is to give her another means to feel my love.  So if she were to come and I would...well listen to the song.  I won't keep talking  If I could sing this song to her when both of us can't sleep and we talk...I would

Posts from the Tardis 3 (the Seventh)

Your Friendly time traveling musical corespondent here.  There won't be much preamble for this post.  Just bear in mind when your listening that the whole point is that with her what the title says would be a joy, and I wouldn't care.

It's just that when she's with me even the hard things are easy.  They don't become less complex or difficult.  When she's there physically or metaphorically its just no big deal.  And I can dance around the mine's and jump over obstacles simple as that no matter how hard I just can.

Posts from the Tardis 2 ( the Sixth)

Its me here, reporting to you live(ish) from the Tardis.This time I want to dissuade any reader about something.  Here it is "I AM NOT TRYING TO TURN THIS INTO A STORY BOOK ROMANCE".  Maybe some should right that down. Story book romances rarely happen, and even rarer last.  Although When I choose to love it's as strong as that that you read about.

Im not trying to be prince charming, though Im trying to be her's .  Im not saying she's sleeping beauty, though she's my Belle.  Its just a man and a woman, people.  We are who we are at any given moment and what we are is human.  We make mistakes, we are blind at times, we are just regular people.  I'm not the epitome of man; I'm as imperfect as the next guy.  So don't think I think that highly of myself. I'm not putting myself up on a pedestal.  I know who I am faults and all and I'm okay with that.  I try and improve what faults I can and am still confident in myself as a whole including them.  And just as I am just human, our story isn't some fairy tale children's book.  It is just our story two people who are in each others lives.  So without anymore ramblings here it is

aaaand the sorta acoustic version

Posts from the Tardis 1 (the Fifth)

My Computer has been on the fritz lately and that's been screwing up not only my posts but also my application process for jobs.  Suffice it to say it would shut down on me halfway through just about anything.  So now it's in the shop I'm finally able to catch up on posts. so the following posts are brought to you by the assistance of my unfortunately possibly fictitious friend, and his timey wimey Tech, The Doctor.  My relative cyber time posts are going up today.

This first Video its mostly about that girl.  But its also because its how I feel about love.  When you feel actual love, not just what you're guessing might lead to it or whatever you should try and do everything in your power to just make the other person feel your love.  Could be as simple as being in the same room as her. Could be as elaborate as the way you do something on an anniversary.  Or as thoughtful as getting the thing she mentioned only once for her birthday. Or perhaps just sending her flowers because the way the sky looked the night before reminded you  of her.  So here it is Temporal displaced video one.

The tone of this song fits my life too because well its a longing, and when I listen to it it sound like a deep longing.