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Sometimes when you've wanted something very much and yet you know you can't or shouldn't get it now you must develop and Iron Will against feeling that want.  Sometimes it's a want so strong it is more need than desire.  If you haven't had to experience that too often in your life be happy. If you do all the time, well then, I know how it feels for you.

 My Iron Will isn't over alcohol, even though I've seen the bottom of a few bottles.  Nor is it over a drug, or a game, or wealth.  No, mines a simple desire.  My Iron Will is set against lazy Sundays and adventures with one lady up in Seatac.

One of the things that will drive you crazy about this self imposed detox, or sobering period, is that hindsight is 20/20 or better.  And with you it's more the latter than the former.  I can see a whole bunch of the little things and all the big things that I didn't do right.  Like everything, this has a good and a bad side.  Good side is I know what not to do in future.  The bad news is you won't let me fix it and do it right this time. 

A part of me wants to follow that with not yet anyways.  I wish I knew if that was a part to nurture or try to cut out.  It isn't a part of me that is around all the time either.  But...it is a part of me that just pop's up out of the blue.That portion of me that wants to say that, that misses the hell out of you, is like poison to my Iron Will, like chilling metal to the point where it shatters.  The good thing is that Iron can be reworked and forged anew; just should I forge it as Iron or Steel is the question.  Should I lock you out or should I try again.  It's up in the air because I can't explain why that part of me still loves you after trying to wall it off.  I wish the big man upstairs would give me a sign, but since you left he and I have not been close...

in the meantime

you might be wondering why I haven't posted in so long.  It is not a lack of conviction like one of you readers have suggested.  I have been testing myself, trying to force a change and I've been doing pretty well all things considered.  So the reason I haven't posted, just kept the songs in my head, is because I've been waiting for us to just spend some time together, not these like 10 minute walks or chatting just before I leave town.  Some thing more like an afternoon together or even just an hour.  I want to test myself and see how well I have done on walling you off into just a corner of me.  Even though we reached over six hundred on the counter that only a handful really know about.  You remember it I bet. well tonight there's one more click to be added to it.  but I will post again soon, one way or the other I have to get this out of my chest...not off just out.

work work and see where we end up (97&98)

Same day but Two (95&96)

I miss sleep (92-94)

tonight Im going to try and sleep before 3am, so Im starting the long slog to unconsciousness early so If theres a lack of words, I'll fix that soon

*le sigh* (88-91)

tonight I don' t feel like many words but I will post these and maybe say more tomorrow.