The (Fourth) Elephant in teh room

I like many listen to music while I'm getting ready for the day, and the song in this post came up then.  My ancient ipod mini was the one that brought it up and then later it came up again while I was trying to sleep.  Its funny how a song can come along on shuffle and it doesnt matter what plays before it, AC/DC Linkin park something that gets the blood flowing, and then this song comes along and your blood stops.  Its like you are in the music almost.  everything you hold back wells up and pretty soon you can't even see. It only stopped me in mid motion in the shower...but when I was laying there in bed trying for the love of all things holy to sleep before 3am again it hit me harder.  pretty soon there was a little blurring on the book I was reading and I felt something wet rolling down my face.  I wasn't crying or dwelling on a sad memory, this song comes on and makes me just FEEL how I miss her, didn't matter that all the lyrics weren't spot on.  The way it felt just made sense.  hearing it made everything simple for those few minutes and I just simply knew how much I missed her, for those few minutes that's all I was all every fiber of myself did.  So if your missing someone listen to that feeling, don't hide from it, don't repress it.  It's how you feel and pushing that away is like swimming deeper into a lake when you've already run out of air.  without more muttering here's the video for today

I miss this girl being there, when she was there and we tried to sleep I slept.  And for me a restful sleep is a rare thing.  I miss her and even though others have slept in the bed either to help me sleep or because They wanted more its never the same.  They can't paint an elephant quite as good as she. 

Ender's Chess set (The Third)

There's a book series that is one of my favorite, and it starts with Ender's Game.  The main character is name same as the title Ender, or Andrew.  His mind figures things out and see's things others don't. About himself and bout others.  Im not saying Im anywhere near where he is on that, but I try and succeed a little bit.  And one thing I've realized on that is we are never as good as we think we are at our best, and far better than we think we can be at our worst.  You are never as perfect as you think you are, nor as wretched or broken. 

SO although my unconscious image of myself will never be perfectly accurate I can try and augment it by improving myself and my clarity of self.  One of the things that you can't do is wholly blame someone for something, but you can only take responsibility for what you do yourself, even if that's setting someone up to where they dont have the best opportunity to not let themselves down or you down.  Everything about human interactions are so complex and confusing that you can't eliminate anything.

With her I know I screwed up.  not doing anything wrong, but by not doing things.  I let things fade while I was in a different city.  I realized that I should have been busting my ass to keep seeing her, keep spending time with her.  There are a thousand little hicups that made things the way they are and all I can do is improve myself.  To someday be pretty close to what is in my heart, no longer be the little lion man.  I don't know just a thought that Im forming my life around.  Alway improve even in failure, you're are never complete even when you're whole.

The Second

Today a though occurred to me, its been more than a year and almost a half.  And yeah theres is room for someone new to come along, don't know who or she'd be here.  But I've been searching myself  and just because there could be someone else doesn't mean that she's not there, that in my heart I still love this girl who's so complicatedly simple (in the since that she's both at the same time). 

This girl is in a very exclusive set of clubs.  The first has two members, the woman I have said I love you to, and meant it.  I don't say those words lightly and when I do you know it, hopefully not just because of words.

The Second, that one she's got kinda an exclusive membership, maybe always will or maybe just be a founder.  This 2nd club is the woman I was old enough inside and out to know I really meant it.  I loved the good the bad the ordinary and odd about this woman.  The thing is I still do, and the way I love it doesn't just stop.  There's a saying most of the christian readers out there will know; Love Never Fails.  That is something I aspire to, and seem to have in me.  When I love, I love.  So She'll always have a place in my heart, hopefully my life.  But its not all the love I have to give even if its with all my heart.

So without further contradictory rambling here's today's video for the 24th (even though technically itsthe25th)

   It is every time I hear her name, whether its about another friend with her first name, a movie star with ther first or last name, or a place with her last name in it.  I have a flash back to her all of her for a micro second, a few minutes or maybe a long while I get her in my head.  I might be able to be with someone new but I might keep looking a little blue German cars to see if they have Washington plates...

The First

So later Ill put something in the about me box but before you start reading there's something you have to know about me.  well more like a couple.  Im young only on the outside, pretentious as that sounds.  I've lived a lot in 21 years, loved so hard it hurts, fought so hard lives almost ended,  seen the highs and lows of what a human can do.  I'm nothing spectacular but Ive seen the spectacular in the most ordinary places.  And all throughout my view has been tinted by being a romantic of sorts, somewhat of the old fashioned sort you might say.  Guess you could expect little else if you knew where I come from, odd family, odd life, odd choices and all.  Too that end of romanticism and odd choices I'm starting this off shoot blog from BeforeyouFaceEast.  Every day from the 23rd of June till the 22nd Im going to post a link or a video to a song and something about it. 

What has that got to do with Romanticism?  If you guessed it was a girl or bet that with your buddy, tell 'em to pay up.  I still love a woman I used to be with, I don't think she really knew how much when she asked me to break our promise not to and say those words to her.  She is utterly confusing and at the same time completely comprehensible.  kinda a combination that can piss you off and make you happy at the same time? bingo.  its been over a year since we went separate ways in that sense. 

So each song here will be for her, about her, because of her.  And who knows maybe Ill even write one for her...hahaha probably not Im no musician but music beats in every moment of my life
, and pulsates with every fiber of my being.  Cheesy I know but to me really true.  Music expresses things more complex than simple words can really get at.

But more about that later. Here's the First.  First of many that will hopefully be ones that make You think, some you'll like, some you'll hate, some you'll have heard before, hopefully some will be new to you.  The first of the songs that sink the sun in my world, extinguish it and then reignite it all over again

This song if not just what it says goes through my head every time I go to see her, every time we talk, every time we make plans, or when I just think about what the hell I should even do.  have a listen, no complex metaphors, no hidden meanings just what Im thinking with the sounds of what that thinking Feels like to me.